Holding On to What We Have
by PhoenixRising360
Summary: Moving Forward series part 3/4. Tony faces Abby.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

When Tony awoke the next morning, he lay in bed for a moment, wondering if he was ready for a conversation with Abby. Despite Tim's reassurances, he still wasn't sure he wasn't imaging the slights. Hopefully, he could convince her to talk to him, preferably outside of work, as he wanted plenty of time and privacy to deal with the conversation. He was under no delusions it would be as easy as it had been with Tim, but he was at least glad the conversation with Tim had been relatively easy because he honestly wasn't sure he could've handled two difficult conversations back to back. Of course with work, the conversations might not be back to back. It might be weeks before he had a chance to talk to her at all, though he sensed he needed to have a conversation with her sooner rather than later.

He let his mind drift, imagining all the possible scenarios the conversation with Abby could have. With her, you never could tell. When you thought she would be hysterical and upset, she could as easily be logical and philosophical or vice versa. Even spending so much time in the car together on the way to and from New Orleans, he wasn't sure where he really stood with her. She'd been distracted by her brother, and had spent most of the drive down talking about him. On the way back, Tyler was with them and Tony had spent much of the drive in silence while Abby alternated between silence and distraught over him being arrested.

When his phone's alarm went off for a second time, he sighed and got up. Better to do this and get it done as soon as possible, he thought. The longer he waited, the worse it would be.

NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS

As soon as Tony stepped into the lab the next morning, Abby Sciuto's trained eye skimmed him up and down. She knew something was wrong. Like, really wrong. Like death-defying, physics-altering wrong.

Tony set the Caf-Pow in its usual spot. "Hi, Abs."

Usually, she would instantly grab the Caf-Pow and take a caffeine-fortifying gulp. Instead, she kept her gaze on Tony, watching his every move. Her eyes narrowed. He sounded nervous. Uncertain. She could practically smell his fear. "What's wrong?"

Tony looked startled. "What?"

"Oh no, you don't, Mister. You're a little sweaty and your voice gets all shaky, like you're nervous. What's wrong?"

"I need to talk to you about something."

"Then talk."

"Not here."

"Okay," she said turning toward the inner sanctum, "let's go…"

"Not here, Abby," Tony cut her off, effectively stopping her forward momentum along with her voice.

She turned back to him. "Not here as in here here?"

"Nowhere we can be overheard."

Abby raised an eyebrow in both alarm and curiosity. "This is bad."

Tony's silence was conspicuous in the unusually quiet lab.

"My place then, 7 o'clock. Bring pizza." She left off the 'if we get a case.' That always went without saying.

"You got it." Tony nodded once and left, heading back up to the bullpen.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

That evening, 7:15, found Tony sitting in Abby's living room eating pizza, the TV was on but muted in the background. Tony had to admit he was relieved that him being there was her idea, and he didn't have to talk her into it. Of course, if he had, that would've told him everything he needed to know anyway, but he was glad it hadn't come to that. Maybe Tim was right and it really wasn't personal. Still, he needed to know for sure. After the cool reception he'd received from her the last few times he visited her, he wasn't sure she wouldn't blow him off again. Feeling that way, he knew he had to address that first, but wasn't exactly sure how to start. So, in an age-old deflection technique, he stuffed his mouth with pizza to buy himself more time.

Unfortunately, it didn't devour enough of the time and soon, after refilling their drinks, Tony sat there, holding his glass of water. It was now or never.

"I've missed us getting together like this," Tony said, deciding honesty really was the best policy and might even make this easier. He'd thought about a joke but he didn't really feel like joking when so much weighed on his mind and in this case, jokes might just make matters worse.

Abby stretched and smiled. "Me too, Tony. The cases just seem to pile up. I mean, it's not like they never used to, but it seems like there's more and more of them. It's to the point where I'm reconsidering getting help in the lab. Working 14 hour days…well, it's getting to be a little much now."

"Wow, never thought I'd hear you say that." Tony smirked. He wondered if this might be easier than he thought. If Abby was willing to change to get help in the lab, maybe she could accept his change too.

"Science will always be my first love, but I also need to get out and let off steam sometimes and lately, I haven't been able to. That means I need help. I'm just afraid to ask in case Vance will stick me with someone who will try to kill me." She visibly shuddered at the thought.

Tony grimaced at the memory of the last time a director insisted that Abby needed help. Chip Sterling had framed him for murder, and tried to kill Abby when she figured it out.

"After last time, Gibbs would insist that no less than a dozen people vet whoever was chosen to be your assistant," Tony teased and smiled. He was only half-joking. Gibbs would watch whoever it was like a hawk and when he couldn't do it, would enlist help to do it.

"Or he'd just ask you," Abby smiled, nudging him with her elbow.

Tony grimaced but before Abby could say anything, and he could tell she was about to, he cut it off. "Abby?" He took a deep breath. "Do you still consider me a friend?"

As he gazed into Abby's face, her eyes gazing straight into his trying to read him, shock, hurt, and confusion stared back at him. "What?" she said, almost breathlessly.

"Do you still consider me a friend?"

Her mouth slacked open. "Why would you ask that?" she finally said. "We've been best friends for almost as long as we've known each other."

Tony felt a muscle in his jaw twitch and the tension he'd been carrying around for weeks slammed through his body. He should've known that was how she'd answer. She didn't like conflict, wanted everyone to be happy, even if sometimes ignoring the obvious.

"Really?" he said, his voice harsher than he had intended but he couldn't help it. "Have we?" He insisted, holding her gaze. "Because from where I sit, it sure doesn't seem like it."

Abby's confusion turned defensive. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"You've been giving me the cold shoulder for weeks."

"What?" Abby gasped the word in disbelief.

"There was a time when no matter how busy you were, you would take a minute or two, give me a hug, we'd talk or joke around for a couple of minutes and then you'd shoo me off because of work. Now, you just grab the Caf-Pow out of my hand with barely a thank you, and turn back to work like I'm your damn servant. When I took the hint that you didn't want me around, I stopped showing up expecting you might notice and come looking for me, but you haven't. When I told you I wanted to talk to you, I was half-surprised you even said anything about me coming over here."

Abby bristled visibly and she shot to her feet, her eyes narrowed and her mouth a straight line in anger. "Oh, I'm sorry, DiNozzo. Should I just drop everything I'm doing so you won't curl up in a corner because you have an incessant need for attention that is never ever satisfied?!"

The bitterness in her voice stunned Tony into silence. He didn't know what he expected but it sure wasn't that. He stared at her, watched as she breathed hard with the anger, her scowl felt accusing and daring. Seeing her react, hearing the words, his body racked with emotions he didn't want to feel. He swallowed hard, the urge to apologize almost overwhelming, but he couldn't get any words past the lump in his throat. He hated for her to be mad at him but she hadn't acknowledged his anger. She didn't seem to care how she had hurt him but stood there self-righteously in her anger at him.

 _Wait, why should she be angry at me? I'm the one who feels wronged here._

He blinked at the thought. Was that what Abby was doing? Twisting things to make it about her anger at him? Was she deflecting? She ignored his comment about grabbing the Caf-Pow. She ignored his comment about her not looking for him even though she once would have.

Abby's voice cut through his reverie. "Have you ever thought that maybe everything isn't about you? But what would you care?" She bit out. "All you ever think about is yourself."

Tony winced at the words. Okay, he hadn't seen that coming either. He acknowledged that lately, yes, he'd thought a lot about himself because the people he cared about most were pushing him away…except Tim, he acknowledged. He had to think about his own future because who else would? Gibbs was, but not with any regard for his feelings on it, a fact that angered him off more and more as he thought about it. Just because right now he was thinking a lot about his life and his future didn't mean he never thought about anyone else. He'd thought a lot about her and Tim and Ducky and Palmer and even Ellie and Gibbs.

He huffed a breath as these thoughts careened through his head. He realized an instant later that if she had said this to him a few years ago, he would've instantly caved, felt like a heel and have gone out of his way to make it up to her. _God, I was such a wimp back then_ , he realized. Always trying to make her and everyone else happy, even at his own expense. This time though, no. He felt what he felt and he wasn't about to let her twist it all back on him, like he was to blame. He couldn't be to blame for everything, could he? Sure, once upon a time, he felt that way but the last few years and this past year especially, he had grown comfortable in his skin. He was a good person, a good man.

If his relationship with Zoe had accomplished nothing else, it had shown him that he was okay as he was. Sure, he was far from perfect, but Zoe had acknowledged his feelings and validated them in a way no one else ever had, enough that he had started acknowledging and validating his own. He'd needed that and while he sometimes missed her, she had given him a gift he hadn't fully realized until this moment.

He took another deep breath to calm himself. He met Abby's gaze and his eyes narrowed at her. His voice was calm when he spoke, the kind of calm that told suspects in interrogation that they'd better watch out because a storm was coming. "You really think that?"

"Ever since you and Zoe broke up, you've shown up at my lab more. It was like when you were with her, you couldn't give me the time of day, but now that you're done with her, you have room for me again."

Tony stood up. "What are you talking about? I came to visit you in the lab just as much when I was dating Zoe. That hasn't changed. What has changed is that when I do show up, you brush me off like a fly buzzing around your head."

"I do not!"

"Yeah, you do. For weeks you did until I finally gave up and stopped showing up. And that was a while after Zoe and I broke up. You didn't come looking for me like you used to. So, I guess the real question here is why are you shutting me out?"

"How can you say I'm shutting you out?! You're the one who never wants to get together outside of work anymore. I can't remember the last time we got together like this because you were always busy with Zoe!"

"And you are always busy with Burt. I finally stopped asking because every time I did, you had a date with Burt. When I started dating Zoe, there were plenty of times she had cases and I was alone, but every time I called you, if you weren't with him, you were with the nuns or out with friends or clubbing or whatever you do now."

His words actually stunned Abby into silence and he could practically see the wheels turning in her head as she thought this over. After a few minutes of silence, he saw her swallow hard.

She sank down on the couch, looking troubled. Tony tentatively sat down on the edge of the couch, ready to stand back up again if she flew on the offensive again. When she looked at him again, the anger was gone. She had tears in her eyes now. "God, Tony, what happened to us?"

Tony could've answered that question a thousand ways but he chose silence. Out of those thousand ways, about 995 of them would've opened a can of worms he wasn't prepared to deal with, at least not now after all this time.

"I don't know, Abs," he said quietly, pain still careening through his body. "I thought we were friends but after the last few weeks, and tonight, I'm really questioning that for the first time ever." Okay, that wasn't entirely true. He'd questioned it after Gibbs went off to Mexico and Abby was slapping trainee stickers on his back and reminding him incessantly that he wasn't Gibbs, but that was only one of the can of worms he wasn't going to deal with. Maybe if he'd dealt with it when he should have, they wouldn't be in this mess right now but it was too late to go back and fix it and he had to own his part in it. He never should've let her treat him that way but at the time he was in too much pain himself to handle much of anything else. At this point, he had to forgive himself and her and move on, if he could.

"You're really questioning our friendship?" Her lower lip quivered, like she was about to cry.

"You just made it clear how you really feel about me." Tony stood up again and walked over to the coat rack to get his jacket.

"Wait!" Abby's voice pierced the air. "That's not how I feel about you."

"Could've fooled me."

Abby huffed. "Tony, please…sit down. Let's talk."

Anger flooded his brain again. She wanted to talk now. Accusations got her nowhere so now she wanted to talk. At one time, he would've caved, but right now, he really didn't think he could take much more talking. Her words had done nothing but cut him to the core.

"Why would you want to talk to me? I'm selfish, have an incessant need for attention and wither if I don't get any." He paused, startled that he'd blurted that out, sarcastic though it was. It reminded him once again, just how good Zoe had been for him while it lasted. The fact that he could be sarcastic about his formerly fragile ego showed him how far he'd come. It was in that moment he realized that the prospect of losing Abby's friendship wasn't shattering him. A few years ago, he would've been devastated to the point he might not have recovered. It also made him wonder if losing Gibbs might not be as shattering as he once thought.

At the thought, he involuntarily shuddered so hard his entire body felt cold and he felt goosebumps jump out on his arms even though he was wearing a sweatshirt. Okay, maybe not, at least not like this.

"Tony, please," she begged, tears filling her eyes. "I didn't mean it. I was just…" she trailed off, searching for words she couldn't seem to find.

He stared at Abby in silence, watching a bevy of emotions flit across her face, his gaze anchored, like watching a train wreck you didn't want to see but couldn't turn away from. He felt that their friendship was on the line here, and he needed to decide if he really wanted to try to save it. She'd hurt him before. He had tried for as long as he'd known her not to hurt her, but obviously, he had one way or another. Her words had hurt but maybe he had hurt her too, and not realized it.

He acknowledged that part of him wanted their friendship to remain intact, maybe even be stronger than before, but if they couldn't recover from this, it wouldn't break his heart the way it once would have. That thought alone hurt, but yet he felt strangely distanced from it, like he was on the outside looking in and a pang cut him with the familiarity of that feeling. Yet, despite that, he wasn't really that upset. It was more like a relief of knowing where he really stood without feeling like his world was going to crumble with that knowledge. He would be okay either way. It was a liberating feeling after years of feeling emotionally obligated to her, to Gibbs, even to the others. Then again, it wasn't like he was a saint either. He had wronged the others as much as they had wronged him. He liked to think he had never wronged Abby but deep down he knew that couldn't be true. Maybe he really wasn't as ready for this conversation as he had thought he was.

"I think I'd better go," he finally said, reaching for his jacket again as the silence stretched on.

"No!" Abby demanded, her feet in motion as she stepped around him to stand between him and the door. Her eyes were filled with fear and sorrow. "We need to talk this out, Tony."

"What is there to talk about?" His voice was quiet as he voiced the question. Hurt, anger and other unnamed emotions churned in his head but her words echoed in his mind. "I'm just selfish, and attention-seeking. I get it."

"Tony, I really didn't mean that."

"Yeah you did, or it wouldn't have come out like that."

"No, Tony," Abby said, her eyes serious, and her voice sad. "It's not like that. I thought, it's just…" She stumbled, desperately seeking words to describe her thoughts and coming up empty.

"So the cracks about me curling in a ball because I didn't get any attention were because I'm not a bother to you?"

Abby huffed. "No. It was about how you always used to take everything to be a slight against you, even when it wasn't. And the last few weeks…weren't about you."

"Then why did you give me the cold shoulder?"

"I…I didn't mean to. I mean, I have been really busy with cases. I just felt really overwhelmed with it at times. I've been tired, Tony. More tired than I've ever felt in my life. And it scares me. It's like for the first time ever, I'm feeling my age."

Tony frowned at this. "Have you had your thyroid levels checked lately?"

Abby blinked as she grasped the question. Tony could practically see her brain running through the significance of what the thyroid did, her scientific mind always processing. "No, but it might be a good idea," she acknowledged, surprise in her face.

"You do that," he said, and this time took his jacket off the hook and started to put it on.

"Tony, please don't go. I want to fix this. Don't you?"

Tony hesitated a moment, his arm half in the sleeve of his jacket, half out. Then, he finished putting on his jacket and then met her gaze. "When I came over here, I wanted to fix this. After the things you said to me earlier, I'm questioning that too."

Abby reeled back as though she had been slapped. In a way, she had been. "Tony, please, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I just…it's sometimes been hard when you were always seeking attention and sometimes…" She trailed off. "My point is, it really wasn't about you. I still love you, Tony."

"Except when I come down to your lab wanting attention?"

"No!" she practically shouted. "I love you no matter what, I've just been stressed out and now you hate me and you won't let me fix it and you're ready to walk out the door and if you do, I don't think I could take it." She burst into tears.

Tony sighed and pulled Abby into his arms. Even as he did so, he acknowledged that crying women were always his weakness. Couldn't stand to see a woman cry unless they were happy tears. For a moment he felt cynical enough to wonder if Abby knew that and was just trying to convince him that he was the bad guy. He hated thinking that, but he'd been watching her wrap Tim, Gibbs and himself around her little finger for years. She was subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle but this time, he realized she was genuinely stressed out. It wasn't like her really to get this stressed out about work. Then again, bad cases did get to her though she did work at keeping them in a bubble, shielding them from her version of reality. He'd watched and heard her do it hundreds of times, but maybe right now those bubbles weren't holding as strong as they used to.

She clung to him hard and Tony let her cry until she finally calmed down. In reality, it was only a few minutes but to him, it may as well have been hours. Finally, she pulled away and went to get a tissue to wipe her nose.

Tony took a deep breath. "I know I upset you," he said quietly, "but we had always promised each other that if we got upset with the other, we'd talk about it. I did that tonight, and you attacked me. So yeah, I'm questioning our friendship."

"Tony, no!" Tears filled Abby's eyes again. "I know we're not as close as we used to be, but I've missed you, and I don't want to lose you. You're one of my best friends. I'm not mad at you or anything. It really was just being busy with work."

"Okay," Tony said quietly. "I get that. And I'm sorry you're stressed, but you could've just told me that instead of attacking me."

Abby's shoulders slumped. "You're right. I overreacted. I just wanted to joke around, maybe watch a movie, laugh and relax. It just felt like you were picking on me."

"And I thought you were withdrawing from me, like you didn't want anything to do with me any more, and I wondered why."

"Oh Tony, nothing could be further from the truth." She threw her arms around him and hugged him hard. "I'm sorry. I guess I haven't been a very good friend to you lately, have I?"

Tony squeezed her in his embrace, both to acknowledge what she said and to reassure her that even though she hadn't been, he understood.

"I wasn't feeling slighted for attention, Abs," he said softly, but firmly.

"I see that now. I just thought after you and Zoe broke up you would revert back to the way you were before. But you really haven't been like that in a long time. It was just a knee-jerk reaction because you were that way for so long and sometimes it was really hard to understand why. I mean, I know why, but sometimes it was like…"

"It's okay, Abs, I get it." Tony had the bad feeling that anything more she would spout off that train of thought would only make things worse between them, so it was better to stop her onslaught of words while he could. He still had to tell her about leaving and after the night they already had that was going to make things bad enough, but he really wanted to get that part over with, even though he also feared it would be the final nail into the coffin of their friendship. She wouldn't take it well, he knew that. It would hurt because he knew how she would react to change, but Abby was Abby and he would probably forgive her like he forgave everyone else. He knew how difficult friendships could be at the best of times. He and Tim had come out stronger and that had been far worse than anything with Abby.

He took a deep breath. "Let's sit down again, Abs." He led her to the sofa and he shrugged out of his jacket and laid it over the arm of the couch before sitting himself.

"There's something else, isn't there?'

"Yeah."

"What?" Apprehension clouded her eyes.

He reached out and took both of her hands in his. "What I'm about to tell you stays between us no matter what, okay?"

Abby nodded, looking scared and solemn.

"I mean it, Abs. No one else. Not even the nuns, okay?"

Abby grimaced at that, but nodded.

Tony took a deep breath. "I'm…I'm looking for another job right now."

Abby shot to her feet, yanking her hands out of Tony's, her face horrified like she had just seen something terrible. "WHAT?!"

Tony was on his feet before he could even think. "Abby, calm down. Listen to me, okay?"

"Tony, you can't leave us! We need you. Gibbs needs you. You can't leave Gibbs. You know how he is. He will fall apart-"

"Abby!" Tony shouted above her. This stunned her into silence. He cleared his throat and lowered his voice. "Sit down, please." He took a deep breath, and waited for her to take her seat. He took her hands in his again. "I'm ready for a change. After what happened with The Calling, and the cases since, I don't want to chase terrorists any more. I don't want to watch the people I care about most get shot and nearly die. I'm ready to leave that behind and let someone else deal with it. If I can get a job within NCIS that doesn't deal with terrorists, I'll stay. If not, I'll leave NCIS."

"But Tony, what would you do?" Tears filled her eyes again.

"I don't know yet, Abs. I'm taking my time, trying to figure out what I want to do. I think I'd like to stay in law enforcement, but I'm leaving my options open. We'll see what comes up. I'm only telling you about this now so you have time to get used to the idea. I know you're upset, but this will be a good change for me."

"But Tony…what about Gibbs? He wouldn't want you to leave. He will fight to get you to stay."

Tony sighed. Clearly, Abby had no idea what was going on, or else she was in denial if she did, and that was a very real possibility. He debated telling her about how Gibbs was treating him but she had always been Gibbs' staunchest defender. He really doubted she would believe it, not because she'd think Tony was lying, but because she wouldn't hear an ill word spoken of her beloved Silver Fox. Maybe it was better if she remained in the dark about how Gibbs treated him. She wouldn't believe it unless she witnessed it for herself and even then she'd probably just make excuses for him, just like she did when he left them for Mexico. He remembered all too keenly how quickly she forgave him.

"It doesn't matter, Abs. I'm ready to move on. Gibbs will respect that." More likely he'd say it was about time but here and now, that really didn't matter much. It may just take Abby hearing it from Gibbs for her to accept it.

In that moment, he hated that Gibbs held such sway over her that he didn't believe he would be able to convince her. At the same time, this was his life and he had to do what was right for him and staying wasn't what right for him, at least not any more. Abby would just have to accept that on whatever terms he could get her to.

"I'm not happy with the way things are, Abby," he continued. "I love the team. I love all of you. This isn't a decision I've made lightly, but it's time, Abs."

Abby threw herself into Tony's arms again and cried. "You're going to leave DC, aren't you?" she said between sobs.

"If I have to, yes. If I can get a job locally, I'll stay."

Abby wiped her tears and smiled. "Then we'll just have to find you a job locally. Send me your resume as soon as you get home and I will cross reference it with job databases and see if I can find you something. I don't want to lose you, Tony."

"You won't lose me, Abs. Even if I do move away, we can still Skype, text, e-mail, talk on the phone, even visit when we can."

"Yeah, but it won't be the same."

"No, it won't be, but you won't lose me."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Pinky swear?"

Tony held out his pinky. "Absolutely. And I'll forward you my resume, just…Abby, you can't do this at work. I don't want anyone to know about it and I don't want to hear about it in the scuttlebutt." Tony already decided to ask Tim to pretend he didn't know and work with Abby.

"Have you talked to Gibbs?"

Tony sighed. "Not yet, but I will. Not going to rock the boat 'til there's a reason to."

Abby nodded. "Good idea."

"Abs, you can't say anything to him about this. Not a word, not a hint. I want him to hear it from me, and only me when I'm ready." There was a hint of warning in his voice.

Abby nodded and sniffled. "I understand."

"Thank you."

She hugged him hard. "God, this sucks."

He hugged her close. "It'll be all right, Abs. Don't worry, okay?"

"I can't help but worry! Who will watch your six once you leave?"

Tony smiled. "I promise I will do background checks on any new co-workers so I know who will be watching my six. Okay?"

This seemed to appease her. "Okay."

He gave her another reassuring squeeze and he felt weary down to his bones. " I'm exhausted," he announced. "It's been a long day. I'm going home to get some sleep. I'll bring you a Caf-Pow tomorrow."

He saw her face twist in pain at his words. "You don't have to, Tony. I never meant to make you feel like that was all you were good for. Forgive me?"

As if he could resist those puppy dog eyes; only a heart of stone could or would. Tony chuckled. "Always." He smiled and kissed her forehead. "Night, Abs," he said as he put his jacket on.

"Night Tony. Love you."

"Love you, too." He kissed her forehead and gave her another squeeze, just for good measure, before he headed home, grateful the evening was done.

As he drove home, he couldn't help but think over the evening. She'd hurt him with her attack, but apparently he had pushed her too hard at a bad time. She'd never blown up at him like that before. That alone was a testament to what she was going through. It wasn't like he had meant to push her; he just wanted to know where their friendship stood since he was planning on upsetting the status quo. Now though, maybe they could make things right. He was relieved that they'd made up for the most part; being on the outs with Abby would just be another reason for Gibbs to be glad to be rid of him and he really didn't need any more of those. Things may never be as good with Abby as they once were, but he would try to make them as good as possible.

When he got home, he took care of his nightly ablutions, and went to bed. He almost immediately fell into a deep and dreamless sleep, too exhausted to even think about anything else.


End file.
